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Roland was visiting Texas from the east coast when he was, by accident really, selected to be one of the judges in the internationally famous Texas Chili Cookoff. Following is the letter Roland sent home after his experiences with Texas chili…
Hello from Texas!
What a trip this has turned out to be! Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (both Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. Naturally, with the prospect of free beer, I accepted.
Here is the text taken verbatim from the official scorecards for the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
- JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
- JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
- ROLAND: Holy mother of saints, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
- JUDGE #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
- JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, but it needs more peppers to be taken really seriously.
- ROLAND: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the contorted look of agony on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
- JUDGE #1 Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
- JUDGE #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
- ROLAND: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
- JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
- JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
- ROLAND: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh beer refills; that 300 pound ex-wrestler is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
- JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. I'll have to have this recipe!
- JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
- ROLAND: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really irritated me when the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Heck with those rednecks!
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