Genetics versus Culture
The Quest for Fidelity

Let's go a little higher on the evolutionary scale – to some mammals. When you're on an island where walrus breed, you'll get to see some incredible battles as males fight for the right to breed with their chosen females. These behemoths use their tonnage and tusks to brutally defeat the competition in what are often long and very bloody battles. Sometimes these battles leave one of the males with wounds that ultimately prove to be fatal. Similarly dangerous and potentially lethal encounters among suitors are quite common in the animal kingdom.

Some male animals don't risk their life to breed with the girl of their dreams, but they must do things that are almost as challenging. Take the male Prairie Chicken, for example. To woo his bride-to-be he dances. It doesn't sound too difficult, until you take a closer look. The male stands close to and in front of the female and starts his dance, which consists of him stomping his feet very, very rapidly – several times per second, in fact. As the female averts her gaze, the male, ever dancing, moves to again be in her line of sight. Several males may dance for her at the same time. She remains disinterested until she makes her selection – which may take many, many hours of dancing. Males will dance until they collapse from exhaustion. Some say that such energy depleting displays help protect the females from overly aggressive male encounters which might harm them.

The more we study animal behavior, the more we can clearly see that the chemicals Mother Nature cooked up in her kitchen to make us need to breed are excruciatingly effective, and powerful well beyond our current understanding. To distill it down, male animals are willing (and eager) to kill or die to breed.

There are some animals that are naturally monogamous. That relatively short list includes Polar Bears and Bald Eagles. These animals take a mate for life just as naturally as a walrus bull takes an entire harem for only one season. This is how they've evolved.

Now, on to humans… Human animals are not naturally monogamous – far from it. We talk about the concept of fidelity as though it were simply a matter of making a choice. Ladies, what is it that you think you can offer a male animal that outweighs his willingness to die? That's the equation, you know. When you ask that young man to pledge himself to 'breeding' only with you, you are asking him to fight off the overwhelming effects of all that carefully concocted chemistry.

I momentarily digress to some human examples of how powerful this chemistry can be: Anthony and Cleopatra; Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships; Monica Lewinsky, and President Bill Clinton. In all of these instances, men threw all reason out the window simply to breed with a specific female. Tens of thousands of people were killed in wars, empires shifted, and more – all for the right for one male animal to breed with one female animal. Sounds much worse than the walrus battles, eh?

It is entirely possible for human animals to remain monogamous. There is no question about that. But it is not as easy for females as our culture would have us believe. And for males, well, it is one of the very hardest things to do in life. It is not simply a matter of the male saying to himself that from now on he will only breed with his chosen female, and then adhering to that in the face of occasional opportunities to do otherwise. It is more a matter of the male deactivating one of the most powerful drives in his body.

The drive to perpetuate the species is, for obvious reasons, a dominant compulsion. For a male human animal to truly suppress his chemically induced need to breed is about the same as controlling other genetically-based needs. These would include the needs for self preservation, food, air, sleep, and water. Try teaching yourself not to blink when something is flying towards your eye. Or try teaching yourself not to eat for a month, or not to drink for a week. Sounds tough, doesn't it? Well, it's really not much different than a male trying to teach himself not to be inexorably drawn to various females.

On the relatively bright side, this information should give all the ladies reading this article a pleasant new perspective on their male counterparts' infidelity. First of all, he is attracted to 'them' because of the chemistry of his body – NOT because they are more attractive than you, and not because you are failing the relationship in any way at all. Most of all, it is not because he wants to be the way he is. He is that way because of billions of years of natural selection during evolution. In fact, quite a large percentage of males will experience overwhelming confusion and guilt after they have a sexual encounter outside of their committed relationship.

All of this explains, in a new way, not only why males violate their agreement to remain monogamous, but also why they tell the lie in the first place. They tell the lie as part of the genetic compulsion. The female prairie chicken demands a long, exhausting dance of her mate-to-be. A female human demands the promise of fidelity. It's much easier to tell a lie than dance around in the hot summer sun all day – so the telling of this lie is actually quite a moderate action, all things considered. I imagine that those walrus (and many other species) would much prefer to tell a lie than to do potentially lethal battle.

How do you deal with all of this? That's something that each of us has to decide for ourselves. The point of this article is simply to promote people to deal with the issue of infidelity for what it really is – not for what our culture has made it appear to be. To be sure, the commitment of fidelity for life from a male or female human is quite the gift, and one which can be given. But before it is given, and before it is believed, it should be put up on the table and discussed at length. The discussion should focus on the realities involved, not the tenor of the moment. During an intimate conversation between a male and female, it's easy (and natural) for the male to pledge his undying allegiance. The problems will occur later – out of that setting – perhaps at the beach, or while watching the evening news.

Considering that our culture's perspective of fidelity's importance to a relationship causes problems such as: most divorces; untold amounts of personal anguish, guilt and suffering for both males and females; and countless arguments and fights – it may well be time to rethink our dedication to that obviously [unattainable] cultural ideal. And if you are one of those who genuinely believes that fidelity is a necessary component of a fulfilling life together, then when you strike your agreement, understand that you are battling the ageless efficiency and tenacity of nature – not merely the wandering eye of a man who wants to stray.

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