After Your Marriage You Stop Loving Your Spouse – Now What?

What if after your marriage you stop loving your spouse?

In some instances this will be merely a phase of a larger problem, such as we have already considered in other articles. When Glenda found that her husband was not at all the kind of man she had supposed him to be, but was a professional gambler and forger, her feelings toward him naturally changed at a very basic level. Therefore she dissolved the marriage. But when there is no such crisis resulting from the disclosure of a serious personality or character defect, suppose that one of you just loses interest in the other—what then?

Bear in mind, first of all, that falling out of love doesn't "just happen." People who have loved each other enough to marry do not suddenly or gradually lose interest unless there is some very real reason. Here are some possible reasons:

• In some cases, a couple may lose interest because it really never existed in any substantial way. Vance and Ann never were much interested in each other. They married as a result of a "plot" against them by both their families, who felt that they would be well mated. Actually they were unsuited for each other, and this fact became obvious to both before they had been married two months. They parted, good friends, but with considerable relief.

• Similar in some respects was the experience of Sid and Josie. Both were extremely romantic and eager to marry. They met, had a whirlwind courtship of two weeks, and topped it off on a moonlit night by driving to a nearby town and routing out a Justice of the Peace. Before the honeymoon was over, both clearly recognized that their interest was a flash in the pan, and essentially a mistake. They had their marriage quietly annulled.

Many cases are not so simple. In some instances the love was once genuine and deep. The couple have been married for some years, and there are children to complicate the situation. What then? In such cases the couple should ask themselves such questions as the following:

1. Is the change in our feelings temporary or permanent?
Lots of couples find that, at times, they are not only uninteresting to each other, but positively repulsive. If such feelings last longer than usual, or if they are complicated by some difficulty which makes one or both feel annoyed and depressed, a person may think that love has gone when actually it may be as strong as ever. If, after some time, there seems to be no change for the better, or matters seem to become worse, it is time for the second question.

2. What is the basic cause for our change in feeling, and what should be done about it?
The answer to this question admittedly is not easy. To find the real answer may require the services of a competent psychiatrist for some time. Yet many people can come to recognize some of the possibilities. The person may have ceased to love because of some personality difficulty within himself. Internal tensions and inner conflicts may have left an individual who desires only to be by himself, incapable of loving anyone until he has learned to be at peace within himself.

Moral breakdown, or the threat of it, may be the trouble. Norman was treasurer of his company. For a time he was strongly tempted to run off with the funds. His wife was a woman of high ideals. She stood as a barrier between him and what he wanted to do. As his temptation became stronger, so grew his need to push her aside. He began by being excessively critical. The increase of pressure within himself resulted in an increased resentment of her, until his former love grew into almost blind hatred. Like some diseases, his desire finally reached a crisis when he either had to yield, or to eliminate the temptation from his life. He decided to remain honest. With this decision his love for his wife returned, stronger than ever. Lady Macbeth's prayer, "Steal into my woman's breasts and take my milk for gall" shows profound insight. Shameful desires and tender feelings of love do not get along well within the same person.

Was this marriage really what could be called a 'mistake?' This is the crucial question, and one of supreme importance. If the answer is, "Yes, it was a mistake," then you must decide what you will do and how you will do it. Some will want to stick it out, for the sake of appearances, or the children, or in hopes that the situation may change for the better. Others will want to go their separate ways without benefit of lawyers. Henry and his wife decided on this solution. They were both well along in years, and well regarded in the community. Both felt that they would best live their own lives separately without formal legal action. Had they been some years younger so that either might wish to remarry, a divorce might prove far more satisfactory.

Yet we should not too easily assume that the marriage was a mistake. One of the tragedies of our times is the number of marriages which have been dissolved before they have been given a real chance. If the marriage was real in the first place, the couple will have done considerable building through the years. The construction thus begun should not be scrapped without very good reason, including the probability that another attempt may prove far more successful.

It may be well to take the same attitude toward a sick marriage which we would take toward a sick child; it should be cured if possible. It may cost hundreds of dollars and months of the very best expert attention to cure a physical ailment. The cure for a sick marriage may prove quite as difficult and costly. But marriage is a part of life. If that dies, it should be decently interred. But remember, that if it does die, a part of you dies with it.

In the discussion of this last question our task has not been to settle for you, or to have you settle, all your problems in advance. We have sought only to give those not yet married some understanding of the kinds of questions and problems which they should face now in order to live more worth-while married lives later, and to explore some of the possibilities for both explanation and solution of these problems.

We shall not wish you good luck. For success in marriage, as in any phase of living, is not a matter of luck. It will depend mainly upon intelligent understanding, plus the determination to succeed, which is sufficient to inspire you to pay the costs of success.

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