How to Tell if You Chose Your Partner Because He or She Reminds You of Someone You Once Loved

"And when I gazed into her eyes, then I knew," whispered Phil. Phil was brought up by an Aunt Clara, whom he adored. Ada was about Aunt Clara's height, and her gestures were strikingly similar. When she spoke, Phil heard the same soft, well-modulated voice which he had come to love as a child. No wonder that he was interested in Ada as soon as they had met. On their first date he noted around her eyes the same cute wrinkles he had loved in his aunt. And in Ada's eyes was the same shade of greenish-blue. To Phil it was love at first sight; a mysterious Act of God, who intended that they should marry. Actually, it was Phil's love for his aunt which Ada's similarities stirred up in Phil with overwhelming compulsion. Phil's imagination did the rest. He naturally felt that Ada must have the same simple integrity, the same gentle patience and the same unselfish love as had Aunt Clara.

How could Phil know, or even believe that Ada was selfish, spoiled, and something of a cheat? Yet he did have sense enough to know that one must be especially careful about "love at first sight." With the help of a wise counselor he began to see the reasons for his feelings. As he became aware of Ada's physical resemblances to his aunt, and saw their relationship to his love, his feelings changed. Ada was no longer even mildly interesting to him.

Such extreme cases may be rare, but less extreme ones are common. Many young people have been very considerably influenced to choose one person rather than another because some look or gesture reminded them of a loved one. Have you considered the possibility of such influences in your choice?

Were you ever engaged before? How many times, and how recently? Have you suffered any bitterness or humiliation?

Life often brings difficult and sometimes humiliating experiences. We are rejected by our crowd. We break with our own family. We lose our job. Other events happen which make us discouraged, embittered, or frightened. In such times it is quite natural for us to want the love and security which a good marriage can bring. The emphasis here should be on a good marriage. The danger is that we feel that almost any marriage will bring us the support we wish, and act hastily and unwisely. Remember, marriage is not a hospital, or even a convalescent home. It brings not only additional joys, but also additional burdens. If you have been badly hurt, wait until you have recovered before taking on its responsibilities.

Be especially careful if you have recently been disappointed in a previous love affair. It is a difficult experience to be jilted, especially after we have been "all set." We may want desperately to "show our friends," and to reassure ourselves. If your engagement has but recently been broken, wait until the hurt has had time to heal fully before you commit yourself again. If you are suddenly urged to rush into marriage by someone who has recently been jilted, review the situation with special care. Make sure that he wants you, rather than just anybody who will marry him. Beware of the person who has been engaged several times. There is probably something which needs to be straightened out before marriage should be attempted. You may want to get expert counseling in such a case.