What You Should Try to Learn About Your Future Spouse’s Family Before Marriage

In all this investigation and visitation, what are we trying to find out? First and simplest is the educational, economic, and social level of the family. How far did the parents go in school? What is their attitude toward education? What is their social and economic level? They may be spending beyond their means, particularly if they want to impress the guest, or even far below their means. Their credit rating should clear up any questions here.

Less easy to find out, but far more important is the standing of the family in the community. Are they generally regarded as respectable and responsible? Here you must take care to distinguish between social position and moral standards. Some people of the social elite, who have an unquestioned financial standing, are unscrupulous scoundrels. Those who rate low socially and financially may actually be of the highest integrity and worth. These last are difficult to determine. But they are important.

Personal observation is one of the best ways of determining personality wholesomeness and mental health. Does every member of the family feel free to use the house, even when this means that it will be cluttered up a bit? Do the members have a real affection for each other? This is not the same as an absence of conflict. Families who fight openly are often more wholesome than those who conceal their hostilities behind a smoke screen of frigid courtesy. Yet conflict which is unduly violent or mean may be a danger signal. But if the family members are fundamentally honest with each other; if each one dares to be himself, even, at times, an unpleasant self, if on the whole they are living happily with each other, there is no better sign.

What about the skeletons? Practically all families have them. Uncle Bob is an alcoholic. Aunt May is dissolute. Brother Mike has been in reform school. One problem with young people is that they often have no sound idea of what they may reasonably expect. Especially do they face the difficulty that the family which they have come to know well appears much worse than one about which they know little. Let them remember, too, that the present is more important than the past. The spirit which dominates the family now is more important than any past record. The family which embodies character, loyalty, happiness, and fun now has many signs of being a good risk.

If your inquiry into the family of the other is unfavorable, what then?
You have conducted your inquiry. You have written to those who could give you information. You have visited in the home of the other and made investigations. Your conclusion is unmistakable. The family is undesirable. What do you do now? Do you turn the boy (or the girl) down because of it, or do you follow through anyway?

If the individual you are considering is like the family, there should be no question. Al found Elsie to be pretty, vivacious and attractive. Investigation and visitation revealed that the family was deceitful, selfish, unpleasant, and unhappy. As Al became better acquainted with Elsie, he saw that she was like that, too. They had not become engaged, and gradually he shifted his interests elsewhere. Elsie stormed, begged and pleaded, which only confirmed his impression. He felt sorry for her, and recognized that she was not to blame for being what she was. But successful marriage cannot be based upon pity or charity. It would have been no kindness to her to go through with a marriage certain to fail.

Anna had a somewhat different experience. When she visited Tim's family she was almost engaged to him. But in the family she found a strong and apparently chronic undercurrent of resentments, selfishness, and pettiness. But Tim was basically unlike his family. Tim was fine and sensitive. He was basically honest, and rejected all the negative qualities of the family. She was quite right, in accepting him.

We call what Tim did "repudiating the family pattern." Most children follow the standards of their parents. They not only believe in, but tend to become what their parents are. But sometimes they do exactly the opposite. Children of fine, noble parents become scalawags. The son of a family noted for its honesty turns out to be an incorrigible thief. Yet it turns out the other way, too. A father was dismissed from the Judge's bench for corruption. His son vowed to redeem the family name and became an incorruptible and distinguished member of the United States Supreme Court. Children of parents who are sexually lax become rigidly strict in their own behavior. If the behavior of the family is deficient at some point, then you must ask yourself the following questions:

"Has the family treatment so damaged him as to make him unsuitable for marriage?"

"Is he following, or repudiating the family pattern?"

If he is repudiating it, you will probably be safer at this point than with most others. The chances are, however, that he will follow the pattern. If he does, you must decide how important the issue is.

Will such thorough investigation spoil the relationship? This assumption is based upon the fallacy that investigation is a humiliating cheapening of a relationship. Nothing is farther from the truth. If a man applies at a bank for the job of sweeping off the walks, he may be hired with little investigation of his character or abilities. Little skill is required, and since he does not have access to other people's money, his honesty is not too important. But if a man wants to be a teller, that is a different proposition. He then expects the most rigid and thorough investigation of both his ability and his character. If he were being considered for the presidency of the bank, the investigation would be still more rigorous. In short, the extent and care of our investigation is an indication of how important we think the job is. Our investigation of prospective marriage partners shows, not humiliation, but the greatest honor which we can bestow upon them. Only those who have something to conceal should resent investigation. Others should feel flattered.

A second fallacy is that love is an adequate basis for trust. Here is, alas, the sad and oft repeated story. Many, many people have loved, trusted and married complete scoundrels. The real truth is this; we should be able to trust those whom we love and marry. And the only reliable way of being assured of this is a rigorous investigation of both them and their families, preferably before we become engaged.

The care with which the other person investigates you will be an excellent indication of his intelligence, character, seriousness of purpose, and determination to succeed in his marriage. And as a rule of thumb, the more rigorous the inquiry is, the greater the chance for success.