How to Tell Whether Your Future Spouse Holds to the Sex Standards Which You Regard as Essential

How can you tell whether your fiancé really holds to the sex standards which you regard as essential? The answer to this question is especially difficult when you are just becoming interested at the beginning of the relationship, but do not know the other person too well. One way is by frank discussion. People who believe that fidelity after marriage is desirable and often people who feel that it is not, may frankly say so. You always face the possibility of deceit. Some people will agree to anything in order to win the one they want. Even greater is the danger that later on, one or the other will change his mind about the matter. But these are risks of marriage itself. You can and should know where you stand as of the present.

A second way of knowing is the record of past conduct. One indication is the standard which you maintain with each other before your marriage. During their engagement period, Sam suggested sexual intimacies to Doris. She declined. She would not likely give to others what she refused to the man she intended to marry, Sam could be reasonably sure. But what about Doris? Statements and even reputation may be unreliable, although both should be considered. The best protection is to have known the other long enough, and well enough to have confidence in his basic integrity.

What if in the past the other has violated your standards? Marriage does not change the basic character and personality structure of an individual. Will not the other almost certainly carry into married life the practices which he has established before?

Your question is whether this undesirable past conduct was an expression of, or a violation of his standards. Few people always live up to their own moral standards on any matter. People, who do not believe in losing one's temper, occasionally lose their own. Those who both believe in and practice truth as a general policy, occasionally lie. People who sincerely believe in honesty would steal food if they were starving. It would be quite inaccurate to call them thieves. The basic question is whether the conduct did or did not express the pattern of his personality.

By personality, we mean the pattern as it is at present. For people can and do change. It is not likely that marriage will profoundly affect one's standards. The boy who pleads that if the girl only would marry him he would be quite different may believe what he says but he is talking nonsense. Yet it is possible for a person who once accepted one sex standard to change his mind and his feelings and staunchly uphold the opposite position. St. Augustine is a classic example. Such conversion should have occurred well before the prospect of marriage has entered in to affect the decision.

What if one of you has had illicit sex relationships before marriage? Should they keep quiet about it or "tell all?"

It is usually better if a couple can begin their marriage with everything cleared up. Finding out later may result in a disillusionment which can threaten the whole relationship. The other person may think, "How many other things are there in his (or her) past I wasn't told about?" Furthermore, even if the other never does find out, there is always the constant fear that he will. And such fear is like hulls in the oatmeal. It makes the dish less tasty. Furthermore, ii your relationship with the other is strong enough to risk marriage, it should be able to take considerable strain. Many young people have found that a frank disclosure of past indiscretions did not break the relationship, but brought a welcome sense of relief which actually made the bonds closer. Yet there undoubtedly are times when bringing up a dead past would destroy what would otherwise be an essentially sound marriage. From a moral standpoint, your real responsibility is to let the other person know what you are now. If the misconduct in the past does not represent what you really are now, a disclosure may do little good and much harm.