How to Discuss and Agree on Your Sexual Morality With Your Future Spouse

What ideals and standards of sexual morality do you and your fiancé both hold to be true and valuable? Have you discussed these matters fully, so that you know what to expect of each other before and after marriage? This whole matter of the sex standards which you will expect of each other is one of the most difficult problems you will face. First, you should each determine what you want and how important this is to you. Statements from a number of college young people indicate that they prefer to marry virgins, and expect fidelity after marriage. If these are your standards, what are your chances of getting what you want?

For most girls who demand strict standards, the reply must frankly be, not very good. Recent scientific studies reveal that in certain groups, only one man out of ten is a virgin at the time of marriage. Half of all men commit adultery after marriage. Women are less lax, and yet far more so than they once were.

You do not, however, usually select your mate from the "general population." If your selection is from certain groups, your chances of getting the moral standards you wish will be much higher. Among high school graduates, the proportion of male virgins is eight times as great, and among college graduates, sixteen times as great as among those who have graduated from grade school only. Among active church members, the proportion of virgins is appreciably higher than among non-church groups, the orthodox Jewish group being highest of all. Those who regard virginity and fidelity as important have a good chance of getting it, if they select from the right groups. Remember that you are marrying a person, not a statistic. The important thing is to decide in advance what you will each demand, and what you may expect from the other.

Highly publicized evidence that conventional sex standards are widely violated has led some to the erroneous conclusion that sex standards are on the way out. Such is far from likely. Women are unquestionably more lax than were their grandmothers. The behavior of men seems about the same as it always has been. Adultery has historically been far more common than most have supposed. Furthermore, the difference between conventional standards and actual practice is not peculiar to sex. Studies indicate that political corruption and even theft have been and are as widespread as sexual laxity. We do not therefore suggest that we abandon our standards in these areas. Yet the young person who marries today does have one problem which is more difficult than it used to be; a greater confusion in society itself as to what sex standards ought to be expected. If you are to have a sound sex code today, you must largely formulate it yourself. The questions which immediately follow are designed to help you do so wisely and well.