How Important is Sex and Sexual Compatibility in the Total Marriage?

Young people who look into this are faced with the problem of too much material. All kinds of pamphlets, books, and other aids are available to help them in the sexual adjustments of marriage, so that the entire subject becomes somewhat confusing. There does seem to be agreement, however, that the sexual relationships are extremely important to the success of a marriage. Some discussions and even some marriage counselors go as far as to suggest that sex is the one thing which can make or break a marriage. The implication is that if the sexual adjustment is not satisfactory, it will wreck the whole marriage. If it is satisfactory, nothing else matters very much. Out of this view grows the great concern for sexual compatibility. Some young people even feel that there should be a trial period of sexual relationships before marriage so that the couple can be sure that they are compatible.

Extreme views are dangerous nonsense – in almost anything. Sex is important in marriage, but anyone who knows even a little about the nature of personality and the way in which it develops, understands that there are many points around which it can be organized. Several factors; the conception you have of yourself, the roles you play, your value system and your inner adjustments as an individual (to mention a few) are each far more important than sex. Clinical experience reveals that some couples where the marriage is very unhappy enjoy unusually satisfactory sex relationships right up to the time of their divorces. Other couples go through life and develop unusually successful marriages without ever achieving satisfactory sexual adjustments.

The great danger is that whenever some difficulty arises, the young couple may try to solve it by making some adjustment in their sex relationships. Such a policy is like trying to cure all kinds of physical ills by keeping your teeth in good condition. Teeth are important to health, but they are not the only important factors. If we work only with them, we leave untouched the real causes of most of our difficulties. Likewise, working on the sexual adjustments may leave the real causes untouched and thus the condition becomes worse instead of better.

The facts concerning the relationship of sex to marriage success are these:

• Marriage is a relationship of total personalities. Each personality is an amazingly complex combination of many different factors. Sex is only one factor, and not even the most important one. When married people have trouble with each other, the basic trouble usually is not sex. Several personality needs are far more important to the success of the marriage.

• Sex is often combined with other factors, and therefore it can upset a whole relationship. So can a sore toe, or a cinder in the eye. Correcting a sex difficulty will help only if there is where the trouble really lies. What appear to be sexual difficulties are often only symptoms of something far more basic. If a couple has trouble elsewhere, such difficulties will often appear in their sex relationships. If the couple do not know any better than to believe that all troubles are sexual, this is what they will complain about to their counselor. Sexual adjustments have become today's fashions in complaints. A generation or so ago it was religious doubts. What will it be tomorrow?

• Satisfactory sexual adjustments often take considerable skill and long practice to achieve. For a couple to try out premarital sex relationships as a test of sexual compatibility is absurd. It is as though a man who had never learned to play were to take a piano for two weeks' trial, with the understanding that if he could not play it satisfactorily he would not keep it.

The correction of a really serious difficulty may require years of treatment by a competent psychiatrist. Even if your trouble is basically sexual, you will almost surely not cure it by some technique which you read about in a book.

Sex in marriage, then, can add richly to the total relationship. It is often a symptom, but rarely a basic cause for marital difficulties. Improved and varied techniques may add somewhat to the fun of the relationship. They will not cure or even significantly affect the major problems of marriage relationships. Like the vanilla in the cake, sex can give flavor and zest. Less glamorous ingredients provide the real body, and give sustaining nourishment to marriage.