How to Find the Right Person to Marry

Who is a right person for you? Some people, because of character or personality defects, ought not to marry anybody. We shall leave a discussion of this problem for later chapters. We will assume that you are both sufficiently developed for marriage, and could make a success if you married a right person. You now face the question, "Are we right for each other?"

Please take note that we have said "a" right person, not "the" right person. The notion that there is and can be only one right person is obviously nonsense. If either of you had been born a century ago you could never have met, and even if you came from a different town, or a different part of the town, you might never have met. If one or the other of you had been born a few years earlier or later, you probably would not have been interested in each other matrimonially if you had met. Actually there are probably many persons, with any one of whom you could be happily married. Yet not all of these would be equally suitable. The best way to review this problem is to have in mind a suitability scale. The following discussion is intended to help you in this matter. Everyone comes to marriage as a particular kind of person, with a particular kind of background, interests, ideals, desires, tastes, and needs. Because he is the kind of person he is, not every worthy person of the opposite sex would be suitable.

For the purposes of this presentation, our discussion will consider the problem from the standpoint of a young man, confident that our women readers will be able to make their own applications. For every male eligible, all the available girls in the world would range somewhat as follows:

1. Ideal suitability.
There are perhaps a dozen girls in all the world with any one of whom marriage to this particular young man would be ideal through the years. It would be far from "perfect." Even in the best possible marriage he would not be happy all the time. There would be, depending upon his and her temperament, a certain amount of clash and conflict. And the always pleasant, sweet-tempered girl might prove far less enriching and enjoyable than the one who, because she had a mind of her own, could bring a certain spice and zest into the relationship.

The chances of our young man marrying this ideal mate are almost nil. With only a dozen or so possibilities in the whole country he would not likely ever meet one of them, partly because one would live in Kalamazoo, another in Boston, another in Sacramento, and another on the other side of town. In the second place, if the one chance in ten million actually happened and they did meet, he would probably not even recognize her, and she might not accept him. The qualities which attract young people in their twenties and cause them to "fall in love" with each other are often very different from those which can bring enduring satisfactions. Our young man would probably pass over this "ideal" for him in favor of someone with a cute nose, or "come hither" eyes. In all the course of history, ideal unions have doubtless actually taken place. Perhaps the Curies and the Brownings approached it. But the possibilities of any young person finding and selecting a best possible mate are so slight that they may be disregarded.

So let us turn to the next stage on the scale.

2. Unusual suitability.
Here is something much more possible. Where there were only about a dozen girls who would be ideal, there may well be a thousand or so who would be unusually suitable for his particular personality. Most of these he would, of course, have no opportunity of meeting. But if he lived in a town of any size, there might well be one or two within range. Even then he might not get to meet her, or would find that someone else had beaten him to it. Or he might pass over unusual suitability for more superficial and temporary attractiveness. We are dealing here with something which for a few is within the range of possibility. For most it is unlikely.

3. High suitability.
By this we mean a person who would be well adapted to a happy and satisfactory relationship. Here is something which is beginning to be really possible. Let us assume that our young man lived in a town in which there were about a thousand available girls. Of these, none would be ideal, and only two or three would be unusually suitable. But of this number there might well be some twenty or thirty who would be highly suitable for him. None of these might be in his high school or social group, or belong to his church. To find a highly suitable mate might require careful and extensive search. One way of doing this would be to find the particular groups and activities to which such a person would naturally be attracted. If he lived in a small town, he might have to move to where the chances for selection were better, not necessarily a larger place, but a different kind of place. Suppose that the man would be best suited by a quiet homebody who would be a loyal, stable, and efficient housewife, and willing to bear children. Such a man might well find a better selection in a small Iowa town than in Chicago or New Orleans. Not everyone could, by searching, find someone of high suitability who would be willing to marry him. But for many, high suitability is a real possibility if they are willing to make the effort.

4. Good suitability.
If our young man is reasonably normal himself, there are many girls with whom he could get along well. While only two or three percent of the girls of his community might be highly suitable, ten to fifteen percent might be well suited to him. He has a good chance of finding one such in his own high school class or church, or among his immediate acquaintances. He may have to go outside his own group. But his chances of finding someone of good suitability who will accept him are excellent. No man alert and interested enough to read this book should be willing to settle for anything less. Since girls are usually in a less favorable bargaining position, a few of them may have to.

5. Reasonable suitability.
Most normal people could get along with most other normal people of their own culture reasonably well. Evidence for this is to be found in the low divorce rate which prevailed in this country until recently. As we have pointed out, for most young people in this country during its first century, choice was decidedly limited. Yet because of this very fact, both of the couple usually came from essentially the same cultural background. Therefore the chances for reasonable suitability were high. Add to this the rather limited expectations which each had of the other, and we see an important contributing cause to marital stability. If he would drop his expectations sufficiently, our young man might find over half the girls in his own social group to be reasonably suitable. They might be a bit boring and dull. But if he demanded no more than did his ancestors, he could get along fairly well. The trouble is that today he and his mate demand much more than reasonable suitability. They expect highly satisfying personal relationships. Rightly or wrongly, most marriages today will not "get by" with reasonable suitability.

6. Possible suitability.
In this classification we have those who are good material, but not suitable for this particular young man. If he were to marry such a person, the relationship would be a serious strain upon them both. Yet they could, if they were willing to pay the price, stick it out. Many couples have. They have nothing against each other. They are just not happy together. And yet for the sake of respectability, or the children, or religious convictions they stick it out. We shall not here say whether they are right or wrong. But certainly those who are not yet married should use every precaution to avoid marrying a person, however suitable for someone else, with whom married living would be a heavy strain.

7. Basic unsuitability.
Success in marriage requires certain character and personality qualifications. Those who lack this minimum could not live successfully as married partners with anyone. Some of these essentials are well understood. Our young man is not likely, knowingly, to marry a crook or a tramp. But other types of unsuitability he may understand less well. The girl who pouts so cutely, who is unusually appealing, may actually be an emotional infant who never has grown up, or never can.

< Back to Marriage A - Z

Custom Search