Religious Compatibility and a Successful Marriage

Are you from the same general religious background? "I'm marrying him, not his church." You may think so, but you may find out later that you are utterly incorrect. Some religious groups believe that they have not only the right, but the duty to interfere in the married lives of their members. In the baptism of the children, in the religious instruction and church relationships of the children, and in any matter regarded as related to morals, such as Sabbath observance or birth control, some church groups intrude actively and often with serious results. Furthermore, the church is not just an organization. For Mary and Jim it is also Momma, Poppa, Uncle Jim and perhaps some old friends who can and often do bring considerable pressure to bear.

Remember, too, that many parents give up their children with considerable reluctance. Religious differences give them a very satisfactory excuse for continuing their hold upon their children. It is no wonder, then, that breakups in inter-religious marriages were shown by one study to be two-and-a-half times as great as when the marriage was with one of the same faith. Those who contemplate marrying across religious lines should carefully stop, look, and listen before proceeding.

What is an inter-religious marriage? The vast majority of Protestants belong to about a half dozen main church groups. Between most of these there is so little difference that a marriage across denominational lines is not an inter-religious marriage as we use and understand the term herein. Serious problems are likely to arise only in interfaith marriages.

1. Catholic-Protestant. Both Catholic and Protestant leaders recognize the seriousness of such unions, and often oppose them. If the marriage is by a Protestant minister, the Catholic will be dropped by his church. If it is by a Priest, the Protestant must renounce any control over the religious growth of his own children. And in matters such as the right of the couple to regulate the size of their own family by the use of contraceptives, the ideals of the two groups are directly in conflict.

2. Jewish-gentile. Although, as we have seen, the difference here is likely to be cultural, it may also be religious. If neither is orthodox, little religious difficulty is likely. But if either is orthodox, serious trouble can result. The orthodox Jew may find the unwillingness of the gentile to observe the Jewish rituals associated with the great holidays, and the ignoring of Kosher, to be intolerable. The orthodox Christian may feel that the person who has not accepted Christ is eternally lost, and bring heavy pressure on the Jew for conversion. Neither of these situations will contribute to the harmony of the marriage. The cultural aspects of the problem complicate the alliance still further.

3. Orthodox-liberal. Within Protestantism the teachings and practices of such groups as Jehovah's Witnesses, Mennonites and Seventh-Day Adventists are sharply at variance with those outside that particular sect. Intermarriage may lead to strenuous efforts at conversion. The whole family or even the whole church may join. Differences in what is regarded as right and wrong—involving Sabbath observance, dancing, and similar conduct, can lead to serious friction. Within the major Protestant bodies there are both ultra-liberal and ultra-conservative wings. Even within one's own denomination serious religious cleavages can result which threaten the marriage. Such possibilities should be considered carefully.

4. Church-important and church-not-important. John believed strongly in the church, attended its services regularly and worked hard in its activities. Mabel belonged to the same denomination, but preferred to sleep or to go on trips Sundays. He resented her indifference. She put constant pressure on him to skip church and be with her on Sundays. The marriage of each would have been happier if they had selected someone more congenial at this point. But where church is important to both husband and wife, the chances for success are considerably increased.

On the other hand, Frank was a Catholic and Susan a Baptist, but neither of them cared about church or had attended for some time. They were married by a Justice of the Peace. After their marriage each continued to stay away from different churches, just as they had before. Their families made no attempt to interfere. Their religious differences caused little difficulty.

If the couple are from different religious backgrounds, then, they should come to a clear decision on the following points:

• Who, if either, will change his church relationships?
• If neither changes, where will each attend church, if at all?
• In what church, if any, will the children be reared?
• Will we consult our relatives and friends beforehand?

The time to go over all such questions and make your decisions is not merely before the wedding, but before you become engaged. And through it all, keep in mind the following question: "Since (in most cases) there are so many fine young people of my own group, why do I have to go outside it to find a life partner? Why add to my difficulties and increase my risk of failure?"

When young people deliberately select their mates, instead of just falling in love with someone who happens to be around, there will be fewer occasions for the difficulties and risks of inter-religious marriages.