Pulling Your Own Weight in the Marriage

Can you pull your own weight? The question of marriage with those who have physical disabilities presents a special problem with which we shall not be concerned here. Furthermore, those who may require some physical help may otherwise be unusually self-reliant and far less helpless in the total marriage relationship than some of the able-bodied. We recognize, too, that girls who are actually competent and able sometimes play the "helpless" role because they feel that it will make them more appealing to men. Our concern here is with the competence of those without physical disabilities.

Marriage, contrary to what some people think, is not a prolonged party, but a serious job involving real responsibilities. Being ready for marriage means that you can take care of yourself. For various reasons, people may reach adulthood still unable to take care of themselves. Others, wishing to be "big, strong men," or wanting to give some man just the "mothering he needs" find such helplessness appealing, especially if the helpless are "cute" or make them feel important. Such marriages are dangerous, not only because people usually get tired of carrying others on their backs, but also because we lose respect for the able-bodied helpless.

By "helplessness" we do not mean the absence of any particular abilities and skills. The bride may face a stalled car in hopeless resignation, and the groom may have not the slightest idea what to do with an uncooked steak. Few of us have at the time of marriage all the skills and abilities which would be desirable. Here we mean a general attitude of lying down before most situations and expecting others to assume full responsibility for almost everything. We do not blame people for such a lack. They may be deficient through no fault of their own. Neither do we imply that they are incurable. They may be incompetent because they have always had servants or indulgent parents to do everything for them. In time they might learn to stand on their own feet. We do say that as long as they are not able to take care of themselves adequately they are not ready for marriage.

Success in marriage requires not only the ability, but a willingness to do a fair share of the work. Dolly and Harold were practically engaged until they were together for several days at a house party in which the work was divided up among the group. Harold proved to be a past master at being somewhere else when there was work to be done, or getting someone else to do his work, or appearing to be very busy while doing nothing. She had no desire to be a squaw for the rest of her life, doing all the work while her lord lolled in idleness. So marriage with Harold was "out," and Dolly was grateful for the experience which had given her ample warning. Any person who habitually leaves most of the work to others is not mature enough for marriage. A person ready for marriage enjoys responsibility, and willingly accepts his share of the load.