Are You Both Willing to Pay the Cost for a Successful Marriage

Some people think that marriage will be something like a slot machine, guaranteed to eventually pay off. You put in little yourself and have a lot of fun making the wheels go around. In return you expect the jack pot of happiness, spilled out right at your feet. This whole idea is clearly illustrated by the story of Cinderella in its various forms. Certainly the poor kid had a tough time of it, what with the old buzzard of a stepmother and her two spoiled brats. But what does she do? Instead of going out and getting a good job in some magic wand factory, she just hangs around the furnace and mopes. If this story were really true to life she would end up as she deserved, slinging hash in "Ye Olde Greasy Spoon." But instead of this, what happens? Some Fairy Godmother comes along and stakes her to a permanent, a facial, a manicure, an imported limousine and a Paris creation with all the accessories to match. Without even having to show enough gumption to wash her own face she gets the whole works—Prince, glass slippers, and Hollywood contract, dumped right in her lap. Our pulps and guides to matrimonial success are often cluttered up with the same kind of twaddle. Just hang around until "true love" strikes you, and then your Prince Charming will come along and carry you off in a new Buick. It is no wonder that many young people enter marriage about as well prepared as an old lady with a market basket is for a lion hunt.

To succeed in marriage, recognize first of all that it is not a means of solving problems. Marrying is like accepting a promotion. It means more pay, but it means also more responsibility and bigger and better headaches. Marriage in itself will not make anyone happy. It merely gives you a better chance to earn it. The happiness of marriage is like a car, or a refrigerator, or something else you would like, in a show window. If you want to have it in your own home, you must be willing to pay the price; not only willing, but able. Here are some of the prices:

Will you put up with inconvenience and frustration?
Husbands, like so many other desirable things of life, are often terribly annoying. Like the fireplace, they may smoke up the house and get ashes all over the place. Like the furnace, they may go out at night and leave you cold and comfortless. Wives, also, have their disadvantages. Like cigarette lighters, they sometimes will not work. Like a radio they can get very noisy at times, and may prove difficult to shut off. Like a car, they can develop trouble without warning and upset your plans for going places. Like the government they can be shockingly expensive and not always too efficient. But who would prefer to live without plumbing, heating, government, and the other developments of modern life, in order to avoid the trouble and expense which they necessarily cause? Such costs, like the frustrations of marriage, are part of the price of civilized living. Merely to room with someone, to share space and a few things is neither difficult nor costly. Neither is it especially rewarding. Really to live with another, to share your hopes, plans, dreams, and your inner lives, this is a different matter. Marriage requires adjustment on a far deeper level than was necessary while single. The cost of such adjustment will sometimes be painful frustration. Those who understand will welcome such pains as part of the process of giving birth to a richer and deeper quality of life.

Do you know that success in marriage requires serious effort?
We would not expect to become a successful violinist, plumber or watch maker without careful preparation and seriously working at our jobs. Neither will we be successful in our marriages without the training and skills which can result only from serious and continuous effort. People often fail because they take the same attitude toward their marriage as does the owner of a car. The ordinary driver knows that to operate his car, he must do some things. He must start it, shift gears, steer, and stop. He must provide it with gas, oil, water and air. But after he has done these few simple tasks, he expects the car to do the rest. When he puts his foot on the starter, he expects it to start. When he takes it on a trip, he expects it to purr along without trouble, so long as it is filled up. If it breaks down, he will probably feel baffled and possibly resentful. It is not his job to service the car. It is the job of the car to give him what he wants and expects, without too much effort or expense on his part.

The attitude of the garage mechanic is quite different. To begin with, he feels a different kind of responsibility. He must not merely get service from the car, but make sure that the car gets the kind of service which will make it run properly. He not only drives and rides—he is also alert for any kind of trouble which might become serious. He keeps the car not only fed, but tuned up and adjusted. Breakdowns do not appear as outrageous surprises. His job is to fix things when they go wrong. And since he understands the car, he can respond to trouble creatively. Instead of feeling baffled and bewildered, he finds out the nature of the difficulty and has the knowledge and the skills to correct it.

The satisfactions of a successful marriage are not to be had merely by performing a few simple tasks, such as feeding a man, dressing up the children, or paying the bills. If a marriage is to function well it must be kept in constant adjustment and repair by people who understand it and are willing to put in the amount of study and effort which is required. When breakdowns occur, as they will, you should know enough about the situation so that you will not be floored by them. You should know enough to be able to spot the difficulty and fix it. Keeping a marriage in good running order is a real job which requires hard work. Yet work alone is not enough. Success in marriage also requires intelligent understanding and effective skills.