How to Understand Why Your Relationship With Your Parents is Important in a Successful Marriage

What were your relationships to your parents? Studies indicate that a close attachment to parents without serious conflict, and yet without domination by the parents one best makes for future success in marriage, but if the weaning process does not take place, it can cause serious trouble.

"Then we left him flat." It was not the wife speaking, but her mother. The one sentence spilled the beans. If the couple had known before their marriage what a domineering mother could mean, they might have been able to handle the problem by themselves. If the mother had been aware of her own tendencies, she might have been able to let the couple alone. If she had gotten a job of her own, she might have felt it less necessary to meddle in the affairs of her married daughter. Fortunately the husband and wife knew enough to go to a counselor, who could interpret to them not only the mother, but the daughter. The harm of posses-siveness is not limited to the interference of in-laws. Even it the parents live in Patagonia or Paradise, possessiveness during childhood may have weakened the abilities of the children to handle their own affairs. If either of you has had a possessive parent it need not ruin your marriage. But watch out.

Our best scientific opinion is that parents should be neither too strict nor too permissive. The parent who is too strict may build strong resentments, encourage deceit and leave the child less capable of making decisions for himself. On the other hand, children need a certain amount of guidance, and to understand that there are limits beyond which they will not be permitted to go. The child who has been given too much freedom is often overindulged. More serious, he may face life always feeling uncertain as to the boundaries of proper conduct. The best situation is one in which the parents keep the child fairly well in line, and yet allow him considerable freedom to develop himself in his own way. How was it with the parents of you both?

The same principle holds true of severity. Parents who are harsh, vindictive and cruel build warping and resentments into the personalities of their children. But those who are too "soft" do harm, also. The child who could always talk or smile his way out of anything, who could get his parents to do anything he wanted them to, has received a poor preparation for the adjustments of marriage. Neither too harsh nor too "soft;" this is the best preparation for marriage.

Are there any respects in which you feel especially drawn toward your parents? Or especially rebellious against them? This is one of the most penetrating tests of their success in preparing you for the emotional problems of marriage. Points at which you feel especially drawn may mean grateful appreciation for a good job done. Or they may indicate where you are subconsciously dominated. If you can, find out which is which, and where. Feelings of rebellion may indicate places where you have been marred. Watch these, so that you will not take them out on your own spouse or children. If you can know what they are in advance, you can do much to safeguard the welfare of your family at this point.

Were your parents affectionate toward each other and toward you? If so, give yourself five stars and rejoice. Growing evidence indicates that in family life, lots of love is by far the most important consideration. Children can get along well without French governesses, private schools, and piano lessons. Of all the supposed "advantages" which parents want to give their children, none is as important, not even a good diet, as to have lots of love in the family, even when interspersed with an occasional battle. If you find a person who has been brought up in an essentially affectionate home, grab him (or her) quick. Few other qualifications for successful marriage are as important.