Deciding if You and Your Future Spouse are Old Enough to Marry

This question is one that is not answered easily at all. How old is "old enough?" People vary a great deal in the ages at which they become mature. A few exceptional people might be ready for marriage in their teens. Others are much too "young" at thirty. In our discussions here we shall not concern ourselves with the rare exceptions at either end of the scale. We are concerned with the vast majority of young people.

How old should a person be before he or she marries? A good approach is to find out how old people are when they actually do marry. In our country, the age of most men today at the time of first marriage is about twenty-four. Their brides are slightly over twenty-one. Contrary to popular opinion, people of today are not older, but younger at the time of marriage than they were fifty years ago. Men of today marry about two years earlier, and girls about six months earlier than did their grandparents. Yet in all times there is a wide difference in the ages at which people marry. College graduates, and those who enter the professions, usually marry considerably later than the rest of the population. Yet modern GIs have changed this situation. College students now frequently marry before they graduate. This change may become permanent. Having considered briefly the ages at which people do marry, let us now consider the ages at which they should marry.

One of the groundbreaking studies of this subject, ‘Happiness in Relation to Age at Marriage’ by Hart, Hornell, and Shields in the Journal of Social Hygiene, 1926, presented some interesting conclusions. The investigators suggested that the groom should be at least twenty-four, and preferably twenty-nine, and the bride at least nineteen, and preferably twenty-four. Later studies by such investigators as Terman and Burgess and Cottrell have modified these conclusions somewhat. They indicate that teen-age marriages are the least successful. They suggest that marriage in the early to middle twenties is desirable. These conclusions find substantial support from other sources. Child-bearing is easiest and safest in the early twenties, although modern science has made it increasingly safe for all ages. The Kinsey studies indicate that men reach their peak of sex desire well before twenty, so that the postponement of marriage places a strain upon those who observe the accepted moral standards. Yet emotional maturity and economic competence take time to develop. And if marriage is to represent a complete fulfillment of the love relationship, emotionally as well as physically, the couple should wait for marriage until they are fully ready. For most couples the best age for marriage seems to be from the early to the middle twenties.

Remember, however, that you are not a statistic, or even two statistics. You are you. The question is not, "What is the best age for young people to marry?" but "What is the best age for YOU to marry?" The best way to decide is to look at what marriage involves, and then try to see whether or not you have what it takes.

In most marriages the man is somewhat older for well-known reasons. Girls usually mature physically and socially from two to three years sooner than boys. Some men do not feel ready to assume the financial responsibilities of marriage until after they have become established in some business or profession, which may require some years. Girls, not being expected to earn the living for the family, feel free to marry much earlier. Most men, even those who are older, find younger women more attractive. So naturally the girls do not want to wait.

Nearly eight out of ten men marry women who are from two to three years younger than themselves. What of the marriages of those who do not? Interestingly enough, the Burgess-Cottrell study indicated that cases in which the wife was older than the husband showed a higher than usual proportion of good adjustments, as did those in which the husband was eight or more years older. Yet these same marriages showed also the highest proportion of poor adjustments. Terman found that the happiest group of husbands had wives twelve or more years younger, but that the happiest wives were from four to ten years older than their husbands. Yet the happiest couples were those in which the husband was from three to five years older. So you figure it out. Here are some principles which may help:

• If the man is about the same age as, or somewhat older than the girl, there will be no special problem of age suitability.
• If the girl is slightly older there will be no special problem unless one or the other feels sensitive about it. The only question then will be, "How do they feel about it?"

As people grow older, age differences become less important. Other things being equal, there will be less difference between a woman of fifty and a man of seventy, than between a girl of twenty and a man of forty.

When one is relatively young and the other as much as twelve years older, the couple should carefully review the following problems:

There may be real differences in their interest in physical activities. If the man is the elder, this may not be too important. A man of thirty-five may play as good a game of golf or even tennis, and swim as well as a girl of twenty. In fact their differences in age may actually make them more evenly matched.

A greater problem will be the stage in which their interests happen to be. Younger people often want to gad about at dances, parties, night clubs, and similar activities. When people become older such activities are far less attractive and may, if indulged in too much, become boring. If the husband is considerably older and he and his wife do what he wants, she may miss out on a phase of her experience which, rightly or wrongly, she may always regret. If they do what she enjoys most, he is being dragged through the same experiences twice, perhaps after he is eager to go on to something else. A compromise may work out. On the other hand, it may result in a type of social life which is satisfactory to neither of them.

A deeper phase of the same problem concerns one's attitude toward life. To those of less experience the problems of life seem much simpler than they actually are. Young people are quite likely to feel that the older generation must be knaves or fools, or they would long since have abolished war, poverty, industrial strife and mosquitoes. Older people, on the other hand, often find the enthusiasms of youth amusing. They may tolerate them in their children, but do not want them in a spouse. If the age difference is so great that the wife regards her husband as an old fogy, and the husband thinks of his wife as a simple child who spends too much effort and time in things that do not matter, the situation is not favorable to a successful marriage.

Yet the fact that a marriage is risky does not necessarily mean that it should not be attempted. Since in most parts of the country a desirable man can usually find a girl who is about his own age to marry him, he rarely need risk the greater chance. But the girl is often less favorably situated. In many instances, if she does not take an older man, she will not be able to find one who is suitable at all. Furthermore, other considerations may make the older man far preferable to someone who is younger. One young lady of twenty-five who was marrying a man twice her age strongly stated that she would rather marry a first-class man of fifty than a third-rate man of thirty. There could be other advantages to such a union. The girl who marries an older man has a better chance of knowing what she is getting. In any case, the most important consideration is not age, but maturity. Younger people who are more mature than most of their contemporaries may actually find an older mate to be more congenial. Yet a preference for a much older mate should be scrutinized with great care. The danger is that the older person is psychologically a substitute parent, rather than a mate.