How to Decide if You Are Developed Enough to Live Harmoniously With Others

Are you 'developed' enough to be able to live harmoniously and happily with others? Living with anybody is a strain. Before they marry, most people have had years of experience living in the families in which they grew up, but this is not quite the same. When you came into your own family you were pretty young. Your parents expected to carry most of the burden of the adjustments. When you acted badly they usually overlooked it to some degree, either because they loved you, or because they felt responsible for the way you were. In any case you had years in which to work the relationship out.

Cohabitating with a roommate, to whom you are not related, is a different experience. Here you are rather suddenly called upon to adjust to a somewhat strange adult. Yet this differs from marriage in important respects. The relationships are not nearly so intimate. For example, there is usually not the community of property and bank roll which commonly exists between husband and wife. You do not feel responsible for the other. If the other person behaves badly, it does not mean what it would if you were married to him or her. Finally, the relationship is not permanent. If you do not make a go of it either one of you can pick up and leave with little delay. Even housing shortages and leases are less formidable than the divorce court.

In marriage you are suddenly called upon to adjust in a most intimate way, to a person who is usually (in some respects) a rather complete stranger. At best the adjustments required are a considerable strain; too much of a strain to be handled successfully by any except mature persons. In no other human relationship is so much demanded. Furthermore, it is a relationship from which escape is difficult.

One especially difficult problem is that of the wife being and remaining a good companion to her husband. In a few instances, as with the Brownings and the Curies, husband and wife will be fairly matched in the same field, and their relationship will be richer because of it. In most instances the wife will not be trained and competent in her husband's field. Often it is better this way, lest she be tempted to meddle and interfere. But if she can know something about his work, she may be able to be of real help. Even more important, theirs will be a richer relationship. In any case the wife should develop interests.

Twenty years ago, George married a girl who was greatly inferior to him. During their first years together she had done the cooking and the housework, and there had been the children. But the children had grown and left home, and the man had prospered. Now servants took charge of the entire household. It is a terrible experience to be no longer needed. The wife did what most people will do under similar circumstances; she tried to make a place for herself. She became "pushy," and began to annoy her husband with all sorts of petty details. She insisted upon buying his clothes, and watched his diet with an eagle eye. She even tried to push into the operation of his office and the transactions of his business deals. As her husband bitterly remarked, "Twenty years ago she was so pretty. Her helplessness seemed so cute, and such a challenge to me. Now she is just fat and a nuisance."

Yet it is hardly fair to blame the wife. The mistake was made when he chose as a life partner, a woman who was not intellectually capable of continuing to make an important contribution to the relationship.