How to Find a Future Spouse with Similar Ideals, Values, and Goals in Life

How similar are you and your fiancé's ideals, values, and goals in life? How important is financial success? Is either one of you a social climber? Everybody expected that Mike and Annie would get married, including the couple themselves. In fact, when Mike called that night he intended definitely to "pop the question." Annie knew this, and it was her eagerness to help Mike out, which skidded the whole proposition into the ditch, which was probably a good thing.

Both Mike and Annie were working people. She had finished high school with some difficulty. He had quit after two years, and taken a job at a local garage. He was a good mechanic, and happy to remain so. Basically he was a fine boy, honest, reliable, and good-natured. His wants were few. He enjoyed an occasional beer and cigar, and liked ball games and fishing. He wanted a family, preferably with Annie, and enough money to support them according to his simple standards. Beyond this his ambitions did not go. He had no desire to appear intellectual, or to get ahead.

This was not the case with Annie. She had ambitions enough for them both. As Mike began his warm-up speech, she became impatient and took over. Mike was really a great man. He must finish high school. Then, by moving to a large city, he could attend engineering school at night. He was to become not an ordinary engineer, but a great engineer. Then they would have lots of money and live in a big house on a hill and move in the best social circles. Yes, the right kind of wife could make something of him.

After this glowing picture Mike looked puzzled. Then he gulped, walked over to the piano, picked up his hat and said, "Good night Annie. See ya later." Despite her entreaties he walked out, not to return. Academically, Mike was not bright. Mathematics were to him an unsolved mystery. But he did have a kind of basic insight which saved him from what might have been a sad mistake. As he himself put it, "All of a sudden I saw what I was getting into. I didn't want it. What could be worse than spending years of your life struggling and fighting for what you don't want?"

Later he turned his attentions to another girl who was less ambitious and married her. He was fortunate because he was wiser than most Americans regarding the relationship of making money to success. In our culture, money has two important purposes; to provide us with the material things of life and to give us status and power. The first we understand quite well. Money is a means of getting what we need and want, such as food, clothing, housing, and medical attention. It is also something more. It is a way in which some people can gain a sense of being superior to other people; by wearing clothes, living in costly homes, and operating cars which the ordinary man cannot afford. In short, it is a measure of success.

Most of the trouble which money causes in marriage arises not out of a lack of necessities, but out of the sense of failure. If you believe that money is the measure of success, you are headed for trouble. If you fail to get ahead as you feel that you should, each of you may blame the other. The wife will complain because you have not worked hard enough, or are too stupid. If only she had married Joe Spultz when she had the chance — now there is a man who has really gone places. The husband may reply that if only he had had the right kind of wife, the kind who would help instead of complain all the time, he would have made the grade.

And yet success does not solve the problem, either. Always there is someone who has been more successful, so that you will still feel inferior. And in any case, money has only a limited capacity to satisfy. It is like furniture in a house. A certain amount is highly desirable. But beyond a certain point it adds little, and begins to clutter up the place so that it is no longer worth its cost. Couples who have been married for many years often discover that the best period of their marriage was when they were poor and struggling. It is working together for worthy objectives which make marriage successful, not "getting ahead." The important consideration is to be successful as a person, in meeting your own personality needs and those of the rest of the family. Success in collecting figures on a bank balance is at best, a convenience.

If neither of you puts too much value upon money or status, you will probably be safe at this point. But if money and social position are central values for the other person, don't marry her (or him). You will be headed for trouble. If money and social position mean too much to you, don't marry anybody until you have grown up and straightened out.