Ensure That You Can Hold Up Your End Emotionally After You are Married

Can you hold up your end of the marriage emotionally? Hal and Marie thought that they were an ideal combination. Both came from essentially the same social background. Both had excellent characters, and high ideals of service to their fellow men. From where they stood, theirs would be the ideal marriage. Yet from the beginning it was evident that something was terribly wrong. Serious troubles began to develop which caused both deep concern. What was the matter? Where had they slipped up?

The counselor whom the couple consulted with soon discovered that the difficulty lay in this matter of emotional need. Each had been emotionally deprived for years, which was partly the basis of their common desire to save the world. Each expected that after their marriage, the other would carry him emotionally. They were like two people who each supposed that the other was wealthy, and married each other for their money, only to discover that both were desperately poor. Each thought that the other was emotionally rich enough for two. It was a terrible shock to discover that neither was emotionally rich enough, even for one.

Just as there are physical invalids who must be cared for by someone else, so there are also emotional invalids. They can give little to anyone else. Yet for themselves they require constant attention. We all know some of the symptoms. They are constantly demanding of other people. The least little thing upsets them, and makes them pouting and unpleasant. Then those to whom they are related must stop everything and nurse them. Those who are emotionally helpless are really helpless. It is neither kind nor scientific to regard them with contempt or disgust. Yet at the same time, we must recognize also that they are not ready for marriage. Emotional children, like those who are children in age, may later grow up and become well qualified to make their marriages a success. But as we would not marry one who is a child in age, so we should make sure that our life partners are not children in emotions.

Emotional maturity does not mean that the individual is never in need of emotional help and support. A man may be unable to open a door, not because he is physically disabled, but because he has his arms full of bundles. So those who are normally strong and able will, at times, need someone to smooth the way for them because they happen to be carrying an unusual load of emotional burdens. Furthermore, as normally healthy people occasionally become ill and need to be waited on temporarily, so emotionally healthy people occasionally need help and support. Such support is one of the main reasons for marriage. The important thing is that this support shall not always be on one side. Success in marriage requires a give and take; a mutual support by each of the other. Like the tides, support must flow, now one way and now the other. Emotional maturity means that you can both give and receive.