How to Handle the Problem of Adultery

How would you handle the problem of adultery? This question may raise an unpleasant subject for many, or even most. But it is one which you should face. Adultery is much more common than premature death. Before your relationship becomes to serious you should have come to a clear understanding regarding the sex standards which you expect of each other after marriage. A definite agreement on this point will give you a basis for a sound approach to the problem of adultery. Any discovered violation of your agreement will necessarily be serious. Yet like any crisis, this possibility is one for which you should be emotionally prepared, and intellectually have formulated some tentative policy.

An antiquated view, once commonly held, was that one experience of adultery automatically destroyed the marriage. That position, fortunately, is no longer recognized as sound. One who asserts that a broken leg need not be fatal should not be accused of endorsing broken legs. Neither should the assertion that adultery need not be fatal, be interpreted as an endorsement of adultery. It is important to recognize that a marriage which has been damaged by an adulterous experience can recover, and recover fully. The first task of the doctor is to cure his patient, not to bury him. If you face adultery your first responsibility will be to try seriously to heal the marriage, not to complete its destruction in the divorce court.

For many, a personal experience with an adulterous mate would come as a profound shock. The adjustments required would be difficult and real. The first essential, as with any problem, is to find out what the behavior means. Here are some possibilities:

1. Jim was away on a business trip. His wife was tired and lonesome. One of Jim's friends was passing through the city, and dropped by with theatre tickets for all three, not knowing that Jim was away. Why should these tickets go to waste, especially when Jim's wife was hungry for some recreation? So Jim's wife went with the friend. After they returned home from the show, she invited him in for a drink. One thing led to another before either of them was aware of what was happening. Later, both of them deeply regretted the way the evening had ended. Such a thing is not likely to occur again. Jim would never have found out about it, if his wife had not told him. She believed strongly that a relationship must be honest, and that any messy situations should be faced and cleared up. Adultery was bad enough, without adding to it the deceit of concealment and the haunting fear that some day her husband might find out. Jim was both hurt and shocked. He also saw that the proper attitude toward a wound was to help it to heal, not to make it worse.

2. Dorothy's situation is quite different. She is buyer for her husband's store and frequently travels to several large cities. She has "friends" in each city with whom she consorts sexually with some degree of regularity. She does not discuss the matter with her husband, but he knows about it.

3. Fred's case was peculiar. He was having an "affair" with a good friend of his wife. The wife first found out about it when she caught them in a compromising situation. This seemed strange, because Fred's wife had told him that she planned to visit her friend that very afternoon. It looked almost as if Fred had planned to be caught. Actually, this was discovered to be the case. The counselor found that Fred had come to dislike his wife. Subconsciously he wished to punish her. This is why he chose one of her best friends to be his accomplice, and then made sure that they were caught by his wife. His "adultery" was actually an act of hostility. He was striking in the way which would hurt most.

Now let us turn it around. If it were you who were the adulterer, what then? Here again, your first task would be to find out what it meant. Was it a single slip, not likely to be repeated? If so would you do as Jim's wife did—talk it over to clear up the relationship? Or would you conceal it?

What if it is not a single slip, but a regularly established "affair" with someone else? Will you try to conceal this, or continue it with the knowledge of the other? What if you were threatened with divorce? Have you basically changed the moral standards to which you agreed at the time of marriage? If so, has this fact been brought out into the open, and adjustments made in the light of the changed situation? Or was your adultery an expression of hostility, an act of aggression? If so, have you reviewed the whole situation between you to determine the reason for the hostility, and what should be done about the total relationship?

We hardly expect any couple to decide regarding all such possibilities in advance of their own marriage. You should know, however, what you might face with reference to a violation of the sex standards which you have agreed upon, and some possibilities as to both your attitude and what you will do about any such changes in your relationship.