How to Find Out Which Personality Traits Make for Adjustment in Marriage

Which personality traits make for adjustment in marriage? Fortunately at this point we have results of research to help us with our answer. Here are the characteristics which make for happiness and success:

• A happy and optimistic temperament.
By optimism we do not mean a "whistling in the dark" kind of synthetic cheer or a refusal to look at the less happy aspects of life. We mean the tendency to find life worth-while. Each individual is somewhat like a magnet, passing over the experiences of life. He picks out and attracts to himself that which is in harmony with his own personality. Both optimism and pessimism are reflections of personality. They reveal much about the basic structure of the individual. Those who pick out, and attract to themselves the finer and happier experiences of life, will also both get and contribute the happier experiences of marriage. The person who finds life and marriage more worth-while for himself, will be more likely to make it more worth-while for his life partner.

• Good mental adjustment.
The person who selects the happier aspects of life will not be unduly bothered by little things. He will find life much too interesting and worth-while to get his feelings easily hurt, or to be touchy, grouchy, or lonesome. A special study has been made of the relationship of being neurotic to marriage success. As we would expect, the most successful marriages were those in which neither of the couple was neurotic. The next best was when only the wife was neurotic and the husband not. The next was when the husband, not the wife was neurotic. The worst situation is when both are neurotic.

• A wholesome attitude of give and take.
This point is, of course, related to the desire to dominate. The person who has enough resources within himself, and can adapt himself to different kinds of situations does not always have to have his own way. Since he lives more happily himself, he is a happier and more satisfactory person to live with in the intimacies of marriage.

• Thoughtfulness and consideration toward others.
The person who is thoughtful and considerate toward his partner makes the marriage happier, not only for the other, but for himself as well.

• Self-confidence.
Jealousy often results in a lack of confidence in one's self. The conviction that most other men are smarter, most other women more attractive; the feeling that no one could love me; such are the base of much jealousy. Warnings may only add to the feelings of helplessness and guilt, thus doing more harm than good. Not until confidence is established can jealousy be overcome.

• The attitude of sharing hardships and difficulties as well as joys.
Every person needs the support of others. It is certainly undesirable for a person to be always dumping his troubles upon someone else. On the other hand, it is not desirable to keep one's troubles to one's self. Marriage is a partnership which rightly includes the worse as well as the better. The person who bottles up his troubles within himself so as not to distress his life partner, poisons himself.

Troubles, worries, and fears need to be shared, as well as joys. As to the children they do need protection from pressures beyond their strength. But they should not be overprotected. Many families have become stronger during hard times and troubles because they shared their difficulties with the children.

Personality types as such have little importance for success in marriage, provided that they are genuine. Extroverts, introverts, hard driving, and easy-going people; those who have great initiative and those who have little can all succeed in marriage. Trouble arises when an individual feels impelled to live "out of character." If husband or wife puts undue pressure upon each other to be what they are not, there will be trouble. Even more serious will be the situation in which the person feels within himself that he must be what he actually is not and often cannot become. Such a condition indicates a lack of inner harmony without which no marriage and no life can succeed; a failure at what is probably the most crucial problem of marriage and life; mental health.