Deciding What to Do if You Find Yourself in Love with Someone Other than Your Spouse

Sam, a man of twenty-eight who had been married six years and had two children, found himself in just this situation. His secretary was an unusually attractive girl of twenty-four. Neither of them had thought of love at first, although they had "clicked" remarkably well from the start. As time went on, they found that they had similar interests, standards, tastes, and ideals. Suddenly they realized that without any intent from either party, they were in love with each other. Before they did anything drastic, they went to a consultant and laid their problem before him.

The first task of the consultant was to point out that the situation was not unusual. Sam had also loved several other people. His list included his wife, his mother, a sister, a minister to whom he was greatly attached, and two other men with whom he fished for a week each year. Love certainly does not necessarily require a sexual expression. Sam's love for his secretary was not essentially different from his love for any of the others, except that it had the additional element of sexual attraction. This could complicate it seriously, but did not need to. It was Sam's wife who had borne his children, and with whom he was building his family, not his secretary. This fact gave to Sam and his wife a unique relationship, quite different from that with any of the others whom Sam loved. Therefore it would be better if Sam would restrict his physical intimacies to his wife. With other things which attract us, such as cars, tapestries, and washing machines, when they do not belong to us, we take moral restraint for granted. Sam and his secretary decided that their situation was much like that of a teller in a bank. They would expect to be tempted, but for many reasons, they should exercise moral restraint here, as they would elsewhere. Later Sam brought into his office another employee, a fine young fellow who was unmarried. In time the secretary became pathetically grateful, both that she had remained at her job and that she had kept her relationship with her boss clean.

Every young couple should recognize before marriage that they probably have, and will, love many persons. Some of these may also be sexually attractive. The real decision will be made, not by the presence of love and sex attraction, but by the moral standards which they are determined to maintain. If these last have been carefully worked out and clearly understood, love and sex attraction toward others need cause no serious disruption or even threat.