How Dominant or Submissive Are You
or Your Future Spouse and - -
How it Can Affect
The Success of Your Marriage

How can you tell how dominant or submissive you are? It is not easy. Dominating people rarely know how they appear to others. How can a person know whether what he does is domination, or merely leadership and executive ability?

As a couple you can begin by appraising each other. If you do it frankly and honestly, it may prove distressing and embarrassing. There is also the danger that what appears as frankness is really a way of "taking it out" on the other. You will just have to run these risks. But do not stop with each other. Older friends who are well-balanced and who have good judgment, such as minister or teacher, can often give you appraisals which are both honest and kindly. Friends of your own age may also be of some help, but you must be careful here. People often are critical of others because they are jealous. If the verdict is almost unanimous, however, it should be taken seriously. Finally, psychologists have developed tests which are designed to show a person where he is on the dominance-submission scale. You will both do well to take one or more of such tests, and then go over the results carefully. It is worth finding out all you can, not only about the other, but about yourself in this very important area.

How will dominant or submissive qualities affect the success of your marriage? Rather profoundly. If you are both dominant, you may be headed for painful and perhaps serious clashes which may seriously mar your happiness.

The dominance of one person need not impair the whole relationship. If the other is sufficiently submissive, there may be peace within the household. Richness of relationship does not require that all members of the family be the same. For many years the children will be inferior to their parents in many respects, but each person should have a reasonable chance to become the best that he can.

Dominance is not likely to occur without some rebellion. This last may not be open. But the servant who is most obsequious and outwardly submissive is the one most to be feared. The wife who appears to have no will of her own, to yield to her husband's every wish, may actually, in subtle ways, be twisting him around her little finger. Likewise children, in a household dominated by their parents, speedily learn how to get around the demands and wishes of their elders. Sometimes they use straight deceit. Often they learn how to manipulate the one who thinks that he is boss of a smoothly running household. Others will openly rebel as soon as they are old enough. The household in which one seeks to be dominant, then, will either be filled with constant bickering and tensions, or it will be based upon underhanded deception. Neither atmosphere is conducive to a successful family life.

Finally, the practical results of domination may be sad. The dominant person may have the greater ability. Again, he (or she) may not. People dominate, not because they have more ability, but because they have stronger aggressive drives. Dictatorships of any kind, whether in a family or in a nation, always end up in serious trouble because those who dominate are often not those who are most wise. And even when the dominant person is also the ablest, his judgment is not superior at every point. The most successful family or nation is that which uses the insights of everyone.

We have pointed out the evils and dangers of domination. Let us not forget that submissiveness can be quite as bad. Our Hitlers could not lead their nations or their families to ruin if the others did not allow them to have their own way. The difficulty lies quite as much in the sheepishness of the sheep, as in the wolfishness of the wolves.

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