Analyzing if You are Excessively
Dominating or Submissive
and How it Can Affect Your Marriage

Is either partner in your relationship excessively dominating or submissive? If the work of the world is to be effectively done, some people must direct the work of others. The need for some to "boss" others is more easily seen in a large manufacturing plant than in a home. Yet the family, also, will operate more smoothly if its members work under some direction. Planning necessary work and directing others so that it can be done effectively is quite different from bossing others because you enjoy seeing them obey you. People who have high administrative or executive ability will naturally find themselves in positions where they direct others. But such supervisory relationships are not at all the same as domination. Domination is the satisfaction which some people get from seeing others jump when they snap the whip.

The same principle holds true of submission. People who work cheerfully and willingly under the direction of others who are better able to supervise are not necessarily submissive. They will take orders and obey them because they feel that this is the best way of getting worth-while things done. The submissive person takes orders, either because he is afraid, or because he enjoys being controlled.

Actually a domination and submission relationship does not make for efficiency. Our best executives are competent leaders who can win support, but who get no especial satisfaction out of the mere fact that others obey them. The attitudes of our best workers are co-operative, rather than submissive. In this fact lies much of the reason why a free labor force, such as that in America, produces far more than a dominated labor force, like that in Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia. Likewise in a family, husband, wife and children may accept direction. But both their work and their relationships will be more satisfactory if they are free labor, working under direction.

Domination, then, does not mean merely exercising authority. It means rather, an uncontrollable itch to take over everything and run it, and a strong resentment when things do not go as you feel they should. Mrs. Splat was a typical dominating type. She never could understand why people did not like her. She was outgoing and friendly, and always doing things for other people. She would organize picnics and swimming parties, and freely furnish her food, her car and her husband to drive. She often gathered the children in the community and took them to the zoo. She worked effectively in the church. The Junior Department had never boomed as it did after she took it over. The year she had charge of the annual supper of the Ladies Aid, they had the biggest attendance and made more money than ever before.

And yet in spite of all she did for them, people did not like Mrs. Splat. When they had a difficult job, they were always glad to give it to her. But socially they were distant. Sometimes they actually left her out.

Counseling revealed that Mrs. Splat's generosity and service were partly genuine, but partly also a result of her desire to dominate. She organized and promoted all kinds of events, partly as a means of gaining control over other people. And everything she touched, she had to take over and run. People who liked to be dominated or who merely wanted things to go well were delighted with her. But many people do not like to be controlled. There was considerable resentment at seeing Mrs. Splat always in charge of everything, even though she was able, and could give folks a good time. People often like to do things themselves, even though they may not do them as well. So they tried to keep Mrs. Splat out of everything which they did not want her to take over.

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