Determining How Acceptable Your Future Spouse Will Be to Others

There are numerous elements to consider when deciding how acceptable your spouse will be to others. These involve personal standards in a wide range of areas:

Do you both practice socially acceptable sex standards?
However lenient social demands about sex may have become at some points, society does require certain standards which are strictly enforced. Such conduct as incest, exhibitionism, homosexual practices, approaches to young girls and breaking up the homes of others may bring heavy penalties, and can wreck a marriage. Be reasonably sure on all such points before you become too greatly involved.

Are your manners acceptable to the social group with which you will associate?
Social acceptance is one essential for successful marriage. The manners which society requires may be, in themselves, unimportant. The man who eats his potatoes with a spoon instead of a fork is not harming anyone. Yet there is some justification for even "senseless" social standards. They test the willingness of the individual to respect the values and sensitivities of others, and of his willingness to "play ball" with the social group. As such, good manners are a part of good morals.

Are you both sufficiently truthful and reliable to make possible good relationships with each other and with your associates?
Few people claim that we should tell the whole truth all the time. Little lies, told for courtesy's sake or to avoid unnecessary trouble with irrational people are part of the social lubrication which makes human relationships easier. Yet in our kind of world, life cannot go on without a considerable degree of truthfulness and reliability. We must be able, to a considerable degree, to depend upon the promises and the reliable services of others. Married life is essentially a sharing, in part, by talking things over. How can we share unless we can be reasonably sure that what we share is real?

Clinical experience with personality disorders indicates that frankness and honesty are among the most important elements of any relationship. Lying and evasiveness indicate personality disturbances. Excessive lying is a confession that you cannot handle the problems which confront you. As you become better acquainted, honesty should become increasingly possible until even "courtesy lying" can largely be dropped. Life is complicated enough in any case. The less effort we spend in inventing lies of our own, and in checking up on those of others, the easier and richer life will be for us all.

Are you both satisfactorily honest regarding property?
Thieves may not be worse than respectable people who rob others in more subtle and legal ways. But they are socially far less acceptable. Theft cannot continue long without detection. Even card sharks usually play only with those whom they have just met, and do not linger long after the "killing." For those who plan to live for some time with each other and with their neighbors, honesty is essential. Beware of the person who thinks that it is smart to get into a show without paying, or does not correct matters when he is over-changed. He is a poor marriage risk.

Do you both have a kindly, humane attitude toward other people?
Everyone in the office was surprised when Jim broke his engagement with Doris. For Doris was beautiful, brilliant, and attractive; the kind of girl, it seemed, whom anyone would be glad to marry. Yet Jim had good reasons for his decision. He began to notice that Doris was unpleasant and discourteous to many people. She would turn on the charm for him, but she was consistently mean to the newsboy, the waitress, and the attendant at the gas station. Jim wisely saw that if they married, she would in time treat him (and their children) the same way. He just did not want any.

The person who harbors hatreds and grudges against others or who feels that other people are always giving him a dirty deal, is a poor marriage risk. Prejudice against members of other racial groups is often an expression of personality difficulties which should cause one to stop, look, and listen. The Nazis were not regarded as good neighbors. Neither will any be who act toward others as they did. We may not blame the person who is cruel, vicious, or mean. Often he is "more to be pitied than censured," but nevertheless he is not a good marriage risk. Even at best, those who live in the intimacy of marriage will hurt each other. A basic gentleness and kindness toward others is an essential which you should be sure about before you marry.

The importance of the character traits which we have discussed so far is generally recognized. Therefore we could treat them with brevity.