How to Select the Second Wife
Tucson Dating & Marriage Advice Circa 1950

Men ask, "Should I replace my wife?" This is a callous attitude and one with which we have little sympathy. A wife is not like an automobile, traded in yearly as later models appear. True, with cars a new bit of grill-work or a change in fender line can drive you quickly to the showrooms lest you become a laughing stock in the neighborhood. But luckily the models in women are rarely improved. The changes in so-called "fender-lines" are slight, the chassis design remains almost constant, and mechanical improvements are conspicuous by their ab­sence. With reasonable care a wife should last for years and years.

WEAR OUT YOUR WIFE

Never cast off a wife—wear her out. To our pioneer forefathers, divorce and desertion were almost unheard of. In those days men simply wore out their wives, and it was rare indeed to find a man who had not worn out two or three of them. These were the days of busy, happy homes—and they can return. How often, today, is the situation reversed! It is not uncommon for a woman to wear out two or three hus­bands. Careful students of our methods should see already how unnecessary this is.

A word of caution: it is best to wear out a wife evenly. Keep her busy in a great variety of ways and she will develop a nice patina, so becoming to so many women. The woman worn out piecemeal takes on a spotty and irregular appearance, one of which you may not be proud.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN THE SECOND WIFE

Let us assume now that you are ready to select your second wife. What should you look for?

The qualities that make up the ideal first wife are sel­dom needed in the second. The first wife, as we have seen, must be well-muscled and vigorous, since she will be in a sense a maid of all work. The second wife can be chosen differently." We can as­sume that by the time you are ready for her you will be older and more fastidious, and of course far wealthier. You should be able to afford a staff of people to do the really rough work.

Briefly, the second wife is to the first wife as a Jaguar roadster is to a Ford station wagon. She will be a sports model. (It would be wise to point out at this juncture that you may be middle-aged when you select the second wife. You will not be too keen for the outdoor life. Choose a girl who is good at indoor sports.) She should have all the fun-loving qualities of the good fiancée. No need, however, for the bursts of strength or the ability to do without sleep. She will have ample time to rest.

She must be at least eighteen years old—may indeed be as old as twenty-five or twenty-six—and should have breath-taking beauty, both of face and figure. No need to test for firmness. You are not seeking womanpower, only luxury and comfort. Find, if you can, a girl who has the consistency of an expensive foam rub­ber sofa. She should be physically lethargic. If not, her youth may lead her to great activity. This may take her far from the fireside, and from you.

Finally, she must be good-natured, understanding, and tolerant, for as you advance in years you will become grumpier and less manageable. If she has all these qualities, you have found a pearl indeed. Treat her well. If properly cared for she will never wear out. Keep her happy and she will repay you well.

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